Soooo tired...

I guess I shouldn't be up typing this, but I'm realizing that it's just as difficult to type my thoughts out as to write them. L will not let me sit for any length of time, and JD either talks my ear off or begs to play computer games every time I sit down here. Now they are both sleeping, so I figured I'd take advantage of the time to myself. JD stopped taking naps shortly after L was born, so my "Me" time has ceased to exist.

JD is REALLY good with his baby sister, but I think that it's still taking its toll on him. He's always been such a Momma's boy. Though he still gets a lot of my time (either L is with us as we are doing whatever or I spend time with him while she's napping), it's still not as much as he had gotten previously. Even when I was pregnant and SO sick that I couldn't do much of anything, he tucked himself into the crook of my knees while I napped and he watch TV. I hate the Mommy guilt that I feel all of the time. I feel guilty for not being able to give JD the time that he had before L was born. I feel guilty that L does not get the level of attention that JD got as a baby. I feel guilty for be so tired and not exhibiting the level of patience that I had when I was well rested. JD does test me a lot these days and I tend to get short with him. Dr. Sears says that a child who doesn't feel right doesn't act right, so then I wonder if JD tests me so much because he doesn't feel right. Man, I wish kids came with instruction manuals!

Sleep has been rough lately. I vaguely remember through that foggy sleep deprived haze of JD's early months that right around this age was particularly tough. My husband would don his ear plugs and take JD for a car ride until he fell asleep. That's not as practical these days, seeing as it's the middle of the winter... Besides the roads potentially being icy, there's always that delightful frigid blast of air that's bound to hit her on the way from the car into the house. Anyway, a few times now, she's fallen asleep at a "normal" time (JD goes to bed at 9, so sometime before that) only to wake up after 45 minutes. Then she won't go back to sleep for hours! One night, she went to sleep at 8:30, woke up 45 minutes later, then just chatted to herself for 2.5 hours while I fitfully dozed next to her (yeah, we're still co-sleeping... I did it with JD until he was 7 months old). Once she got too squirmy, I tried to nurse her to sleep, but she wasn't interested and just kept popping off. I finally got annoyed and slid her into the crib (it's butted up to the bed as a sidecar), but she didn't want that. She screamed for about a half hour (I had in my ear plugs!), so I foolishly thought that maybe she had tired herself out enough to go to sleep. I pulled her back over to me, but no... She just wanted to chat again. I finally gave in and turned the light on. She chatted away, looking around and blowing raspberries, for at least another half hour. She finally fell asleep after 1 am, by which I was too wired to fall asleep. I got up and surprisingly enough did not write about it here, but went on Facebook instead. JD woke up at 3 am, after having a bad dream, so I went to bed after getting him all settled in again. I got about 2.5 hours of sleep total that night (though not in a row), and L was up before 7:30, so she got about 6 hours that night. I just hope that type of thing doesn't become a common trend. =(